MANDEVILLE — In an effort to improve efficiency, the Mandeville City Council introduced an ordinance Thursday requiring all future ordinances to have significantly shorter titles and no longer to use all caps.

Supporters said the change would reduce meeting times and eliminate the need for council members to pause halfway through reading lengthy ordinance names to take a breath or to pause to figure out which words are acronyms so they don’t sound retarded reading them aloud like JOC and SOW.

Under the proposal, titles such as “AN ORDINANCE OF THE CITY OF MANDEVILLE, THE STATE OF LOUISIANA, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, PLANET EARTH, TO AMEND CHAPTER 14 RELATIVE TO CERTAIN ADMINISTRATIVE PROCEDURES AND POLICIES RELEVANT, AND PROVIDING FOR OTHER MATTERS IN CONNECTION THEREWITH” would be replaced with simpler alternatives including “Fence Stuff,” “Budget Thing,” or “Water Again.”

City Attorney Elizabeth Sconzert immediately objected.

“For legal reasons, ordinance titles are supposed to describe what’s actually in them,” Sconzert explained. “You can’t just call one ‘Miscellaneous Government Activity.’”

Sconzert added, “Having long sentences in all caps on meeting agendas makes it far less likely that anyone will bother to show up. Imagine if we had an item called ‘Double your property taxes’ or ‘Chicken ban.’ Well, the chicken thing actually happened. We’ll never do that again.”

Council members spent nearly 45 minutes debating the proposal before acknowledging that the ordinance itself had a 327-word title describing the process for shortening ordinance titles.

Several attendees reportedly left before the title had been read in its entirety.

The proposal was ultimately postponed indefinitely after officials determined it would first require a second ordinance explaining how to shorten the title of the ordinance intended to shorten ordinance titles.

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MANDEVILLE — Friends and family expressed concern this week after longtime Mandeville resident Karen Mitchellsen once again introduced herself while on vacation as being “from New Orleans,” despite having lived on the Northshore since 1987.

Witnesses said the incident occurred while Mitchellsen and her husband were visiting Gatlinburg, Tennessee, when another tourist asked where they were from.

Without hesitation, Mitchellsen reportedly replied, “We’re from New Orleans.”

Her husband quietly stared into the distance.

“I’ve been trying to correct this for 39 years,” he later told reporters. “We’ve lived in Mandeville longer than we ever lived in Orleans Parish.”

Neighbors confirmed Mitchellsen has not only lived in Mandeville for decades, but also complains about Florida Street traffic, shops almost exclusively at Rouses, and can accurately predict Causeway travel times within two minutes.

“She’s from Mandeville,” said one neighbor. “She just doesn’t think anyone outside Louisiana knows where that is.”

Experts say the condition affects thousands of Northshore residents each year and is generally considered harmless.

As of press time, Mitchellsen had reportedly updated her explanation to, “We’re from New Orleans… well, actually just across the lake… you know where the Causeway is?”

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MANDEVILLE — A regularly scheduled Mandeville City Council meeting ended Thursday evening after council members completed the agenda without a single accusation that anyone had violated Robert’s Rules of Order, leaving longtime attendees visibly confused.

The meeting featured routine discussion, orderly debate, and unanimous agreement on when motions had been made, seconded, and voted upon.

“I kept waiting for someone to challenge the chair,” said one audience member. “After about an hour I started wondering if I was in the wrong meeting.”

Council Chairman Scott Discon successfully recognized speakers in the proper order, while Council Members Cynthia Strong-Thompson, Kevin Vogeltanz, and Jason Zuckerman all completed the evening without questioning parliamentary procedure.

Even City Attorney Elizabeth Sconzert reportedly spent several minutes with nothing to clarify.

“It’s certainly unusual,” one City Hall employee admitted. “Normally someone says, ‘Point of order,’ before we’ve even approved the minutes.”

Emergency Medical Services briefly evaluated several regular meeting attendees after they experienced symptoms associated with prolonged exposure to uninterrupted governmental efficiency.

As of press time, officials confirmed next month’s agenda would include a ceremonial reading of Robert’s Rules of Order solely to “get everyone back into fighting shape.”

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MANDEVILLE — Citing an increase in complaints from motorists, cyclists, joggers, and other pedestrians, the Mandeville City Council unanimously adopted an emergency ordinance Thursday temporarily prohibiting walking within city limits.

The measure follows months of increasingly heated public debate over bicycles, electric bicycles, golf carts, scooters, and other forms of transportation. According to city officials, walking was identified as the only remaining mode of travel that had not yet generated its own controversy.

“We realized pedestrians have simply been flying under the radar,” said City Planner Cara Bartholomew. “Frankly, it was time someone addressed them.”

Beginning next week, residents wishing to travel on foot must either drive, ride a bicycle, use a golf cart, or remain where they are.

The ordinance includes several exceptions, including emergency situations and anyone attempting to reach their mailbox.

Reaction was swift.

“This is ridiculous,” said Lakeshore Drive resident Michael Evantrisky while standing motionless on his front lawn. “I’d attend the public hearing, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get there.”

Police Chief Todd Schliem clarified that officers will initially focus on education rather than enforcement.

“We’re asking people who are caught walking to simply return to wherever they came from,” Schliem said.

As of press time, city officials confirmed they had already received multiple complaints about residents standing still “too aggressively.”

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MANDEVILLE — Several parents expressed concern this week after a group of local teenagers returned home from an afternoon bicycle ride with what witnesses described as “an alarming knowledge” of Louisiana traffic laws.

The incident reportedly began after the teenagers encountered a Mandeville Police traffic enforcement operation near Marigny Avenue and the Tammany Trace.

By dinner, parents said their children were explaining the difference between electric bicycles and electric motorcycles, discussing right-of-way rules at four-way stops, and reminding family members to use turn signals while riding bicycles or driving their Teslas.

“My son actually cited a Louisiana Revised Statute,” said one bewildered parent. “He’s never cited anything before — not even his homework.”

Another parent reported her daughter refused to ride against traffic because “that’s not how bicycles legally operate on public streets.”

“I didn’t even ask,” she said. “She just started explaining it.”

Teachers at Mandeville High School reported an increase in students correctly identifying traffic signs during the following day’s classes, though officials said the outbreak appears to have been contained.

Police declined to comment directly but confirmed they remain committed to educating the public before issuing citations whenever practical.

As of press time, one teenager was reportedly recovering after accidentally wearing a bicycle helmet without being reminded by his parents.

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MANDEVILLE — What began as a routine trip to buy milk and bread turned into a 42-minute social engagement Tuesday after a local resident encountered someone he hadn’t seen since high school inside the Rouses Market on U.S. Highway 190.

According to witnesses, David Borganson entered the store with a shopping list containing six items but never made it past the produce section after recognizing former classmate Brian Guidry from Mandeville High School.

The two immediately launched into the mandatory Northshore reunion sequence, including discussions about mutual friends, former teachers, who moved away, who came back, whose parents recently downsized, and whether Coach Thompson was “still around.”

“I just needed bananas,” Borganson said. “The next thing I knew we were talking about Hurricane Katrina, our first cars, and whether the old Kmart building still counts as ‘the old Kmart building.’”

Several shoppers reportedly navigated around the pair multiple times while completing their own grocery trips.

“I saw them when I grabbed lettuce,” one customer said. “Forty minutes later they were standing in exactly the same spot.”

Store employees confirmed the encounter never blocked an aisle because both men instinctively shifted three feet every few minutes while continuing the conversation uninterrupted.

As of press time, Borganson had returned home with everything on his shopping list except the milk, which he forgot after promising, “We really need to get together sometime.”

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